Judging by the amount of interest in emotionally unavailable men, it is clear that most women have had some experience of being with a guy that blows hot and cold. This inconsistent behaviour means that as long as you’re with him, you are thrown into a cycle of inconsistency as you deal with the drama, the highs and lows, and the uncertainty. If you’re with a man who is emotionally unavailable (Mr Unavailable), it is rarely a good indicator of things to come. But why do they blow hot and cold?
They love the thrill of the chase. Men that turn on the hot and cold tap of attention have limited attention spans. They are quick out the gate in hot pursuit but as soon as they feel like they don’t have to chase anymore, you lose your shiny exterior. There is no incentive for them to throw all of their energy at you.
They are too cowardly to admit that they are not ready for a relationship. Instead they just p*ss off and withdraw and then blow hot when you kick up a fuss about their poor behaviour…or they need some sex or attention.
They like toying with you. There are some guys out there that like nothing more than to play cat and mouse with you. Clearly screwed up, they get a kick out of reeling you in, wining, dining, and maybe even sixty-nining you…only for them to stop calling, being obnoxious, or just plain ignoring you.
They can’t commit, whether it’s to being with you…or without you. You ask them to step up to the plate and be with you properly and they flake out and start protesting how they’re not ready. So you walk away and they keep calling you periodically, emailing, and texting, never quite getting out of your life. Be careful of becoming a Yo-Yo Girl...
They are very focused on short term benefits. They get sex and attention without casting an eye to the future and how they are screwing with your mind. They’ll also fake a future to get what they want.
They are undecided about you but like keeping you on ice. They’re like dogs in mangers…they’re not sure they want you but they don’t want anyone else to have you so they hog up your life and keep you as an option whilst trying to ensure that you think of them as your only option.
And occasionally, they are so overwhelmed with love that it scares the crap out of them...But that is a rarity and their behaviour shows that they have issues that are counterproductive to having a healthy relationship. After all, running away from someone whom you profess to be crazy about is hardly normal and is not a healthy way to build the foundations of your relationship!
Because they blow hot, you end up wondering what you’ve done to make them stop.
Because they blow hot, when they blow cold you don’t acknowledge what that means, and instead focus on the fact that you know that they’re capable of blowing hot.
Because they blow hot and then cold, when you call them on it, they either quickly start blowing hot, or tell you stop being so needy. Often they refuse to acknowledge their poor behaviour.
If you stick around a man that blows hot and cold, eventually he gets the message that he can do what he likes because you’re still there. There’s no more ‘hot’ then…it’s just luke warm or cold as ice…
Remember that the survival of your relationship is dependent on consistencies. Don’t make the mistake of translating ‘he blows hot and cold’ into drama. Men who are genuinely interested in you show that they are consistently. Don’t be with a man who consistently shows that he is incapable of any positive emotional consistency or depth.
Men Leave Women Who Pressure For Commitment
Women often wonder why did he leave? What did I do? Most women and guys too want a mutually satisfying relationship. Harmony, peace and getting along with one another is what a lot of people strive for. If your goals for your relationship are not the same, you will experience problems. If your desire for a permanent relationship is different from your guys, pay close attention. You may run him off without intending to. Men do leave women who try to press them for commitment before they are ready.
Are You Pressuring for Commitment?
Perhaps you have been with your guy for what you consider "long enough" and you are ready to settle down and make this relationship permanent. You give off numerous hints and try to talk to him about it. Maybe you are hearing the loud tick, tick tick of your biological clock reminding you it is time to settle down and get married. If you are experiencing this and you find your guy becoming more aloof instead of more committed, just maybe the commitment is NOT what he wants. Perhaps he has no intention of marrying you at all.
If this is the case, what should you do?
If you feel your man is not ready for a commitment and you are, the first thing to do is back off and check out what is really going on. If could be that you are going forward with your own agenda and he is not ready for it. It could also mean you are with a guy who is a serial dater but never ready to move forward. You should honestly evaluate and take stock on what is going on in your relationship before you decide to talk to him. Each relationship is different. While you are taking a step back and deciding who (if anyone) has a commitment issue, be prepared to face the facts even if you don't want to. If one of you is ready to make a commitment and the other party is not; you have to decide what your options and your actions are going to be. Pressuring your partner for a commitment is not the best thing to do. Even if he is not ever going to make a commitment to you, it is best to end it without drama. You will end up hurt and full of resentment.
It is not easy to look at our behavior sometimes, but it is certainly necessary. We all want healthy happy relationships. If you find yourself covering the same ground in your love life, taking a hard look at this area can help you move towards better dating and relationship success.
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Men Need Adventure In Relationships
There are certain men who crave adventure in their relationships and also in their lives. This is the craving to be challenged, grow and become all they are capable of. For some the call comes in connection to work, sports or feats of daring; others hear it in relationship to women, who they see as their primary challenge. This need for adventure in relationship can manifest in various ways.
Some men are drawn to disturbed and disturbing women. They find this exciting and stimulating, despite the difficulties that come along. Also, they can then use this as an excuse for not staying too long. This kind of relationship protects them from intimacy. It also protects them from having to focus upon themselves.
Others crave relationships where the sexual chemistry is intense. "From the day I moved in it we were making love morning, noon and night," John said. "I felt powerful and on the edge. But, when that started to wane, there was nothing else left. She was just an ordinary person and I was just an ordinary guy as well. I kept trying to change the situation, to get her to lose some weight and become exciting like she used to be. That backfired. Before long I was gone."
For many men (and also women), there is a deep, inbred belief that the other person is the source of their excitement and must keep it going, or change for them. They view the person as an object to keep the excitement high.This represents a profound misunderstanding about the nature of adventure. True adventure comes from facing challenges that causes a person to grow. It is based upon a deep-seated mutual respect for who the person really is and who you are as well.
John's initial excitement always turned into a low. He was using adventure in relationships to hide from the underlying sadness he carried inside. As Erich Fromm says in The Art of Loving, if a person is attached to another person because they cannot feel good and alive on their own, the relationship may be a lifesaver, but the relationship is not one of love.
For others adventure means having lots of women, not staying long with any of them. When Warren was asked what made do this he said, "Well, I had the wanderlust and the grass was always greener somewhere else. But I never left for anyone else. I always knew there were plenty of women out there waiting for me."
Having all those different woman was a thrill for him. Each woman touched off something new within. "When you meet a new person, you're entering a whole new world" he said. "And when you're on the chase and there's a new person, there's a lot of passion involved. You don't get that in a marriage. Those are nice things to experience - you feel vital and alive and men long for that."
For Warren, his single life and sexual freedom was life giving, loving. When he left he didn't see himself as leaving the women, but enjoying them fully and then moving on. He never approached them looking for a longer term commitment. The relationship just was what it was.
When asked what made him commit in a relationship and feel good being there, he said, "A woman really has to be her own person and not too needy. I don't get off on the fact that the woman is dependent upon me. Also when a woman gives too much approval, goes along with everything I want, I feel stifled and want to go. In a way they are saying, look at all I am doing for you; you have to do the same in return. They give no breathing room."
It is important for both women and men to be aware if the person they are with craves adventure or if they do. Below are some guidelines on how to handle it:
Be yourself. Don't change to please them. It never works. Realize that when this man is restless, bored, pr needs space to explore, it's his need for adventure, not a rejection of who you are. Listen carefully if a man tells you to back off. These men mean it. Keep yourself interesting and challenging.You need growth and adventure, too. When the time comes to go, let him go graciously. Holding on only backfires.
Make sure you choose a woman who can respect your need for adventure and is not looking for security in the relationship. Find women who are challenging to you in positive ways. A woman who is constantly growing can be a source of ongoing stimulation. Realize that there are many aspects of life that can be changed and renewed. It doesn't always have to be your partner. Changing one partner for another can be a camouflage for real change. The greatest adventure is finding out who you truly are, and living from your highest values. The thrill of this discovery never wears thin.
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