The way a woman kits out her bedroom betrays an awful lot about her personality and taste, so it’s well worth taking a careful look around to help size up the lady who’s invited you back to her boudoir. Could you be dating daddy’s little princess, are you becoming entangled with a business Betty or falling for a karmic Katy? The clues all lie within these four walls so keep your eyes peeled.
1. Her bed
Barbie duvet cover, cuddly toys and pink flannel pyjamas: Unless she’s going for an ironic post-feminist pose you might want to ask to see her birth certificate. Either way, we see danger. Best make your excuses and sneak out the window before her dad gets home.
A futon or floor mattress bedecked with harem style, colourful ethnic handloom throws and bolster pillows: This is a woman who’s gone to the trouble of making her bed into a sensual and inviting lair. Chances are that scented candles and incense will make an appearance at some stage of the evening too. Her bed is not just for lovemaking and sleeping. Expect to stay up late talking about third world debt and her life changing backpacking trip to Indonesia.
Freshly ironed, fairly traded, organic cotton white or cream sheets: Here’s a lass who likes to keep things smart and functional. No muss no fuss. You’ll have to open a few draws and cupboards to get a better handle on what makes her tick, but the chances of getting breakfast in bed are pretty slim. Crumbs and tea stains are an absolute no-no. And make sure you fold your shirt and pants before getting into bed. She can’t abide untidiness.
Satin sheets: Shiny, silken, satin sheets hint at a touch of old school Hollywood glamour. This is a sensual woman who appreciates a little luxury. It’s likely she’s the type of gal who never leaves the house without her lippy and heels and you’re never likely to catch her in tracksuit bottoms and a dirty t-shirt. Watch out though, with tastes like this she’s one high-maintenance honey, so proceed with caution.
2. Her wardobe
What wardrobe? There are clothes everywhere - it’s more like a fancy dress shop than a bedroom. Accessories, from hats and scarves to jewellery, bags and belts hanging from every corner. Sparkles and sequins, feathers and lace. The thigh length boots can stay but we’re not sure about that hideous seventies kaftan. She obviously likes a bargain and can’t resist a good rummage around a second hand charity shop. We’re assuming that’s what that musty smell is anyway. Her quirky taste shows a creative streak that’s to be admired but be prepared to be re-styled and remodelled yourself. She just loves a new project!
A place for everything: Take a peek in her closet and you’ll find clothes organised by style and colour. Frankly it’s bordering on OCD. Classic clothes by high-end brands hang from equally high-end wooden hangers and she clearly favours classy cashmere over acrylic and linen over lycra. This is a woman with discerning taste and way too much time on her hands. She’s less about one-night stands and more about finding the perfect, hard-wearing, high-quality, durable mate for life. She’s all business. Be afraid.
Clothes whore: It’s not actually a wardrobe it’s a free standing clothes stand crammed chocca with bargain bling and thrifty fashion hanging from cheap wire hangers in no particular order. For this girl, variety and whimsy are everything and quality really doesn’t come into it. What’s hot one week is definitely not the next. She likes her clothes cheap, cheerful and disposable… just like her men. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
3. Her decor
Mirrors and photos: A surfeit of mirrors and photographs of herself is an indication that the woman you’re with is borderline narcissistic. One full-length mirror and /or a dressing table mirror is acceptable. Anything more, and we strongly suggest you get your coat. She’ll probably be too busy admiring her own reflection to even notice you’ve gone.
Crystals, aromatherapy oils, dreamcatchers and astrological charts: Uh oh. You’ll have to be prepared to put up with a fair amount of nonsense before you get to the good stuff. She’s a deeply spiritual person you see and can only fully open herself to a man who shares her beliefs maaan. Not convinced of the healing power of crystals yet? Chances are you won’t be getting any action tonight then. Try taking up yoga, giving up meat and practising meditation and things might just go your way though.
Dark walls, blackout blinds, the entire Twilight collection on DVD: Enter at your peril. Unless you’re a tortured, sensitive vampire, you don’t stand a chance. She’s waiting for RPatz to burst in through her bedroom window and whisk her off on a forest adventure. We suggest you move along before she makes you read any of her poetry.
Posters and photos: A few family photos is fine, but if her walls are adorned with photos of her dad/ex-boyfriend/Justin Bieber/David Cameron/ there’s really only one option. Run!
4. Her bookshelves
Sorry, but any man worth his salt should be sceptical of collection of self-help books. Great that she’s trying to better herself, but do you really want to be the guinea pig? Head for the hills if too many of these are on her reading list: Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, He’s Just Not That Into You, The Celestine Prophesy, The Rules, How To Find A Husband in 30 Days, Tick Tock The Fertility Clock, Dating for Dummies, The Secret of Self-Love, Eat Pray Love, anything by Deepak Chopra. Nuff said.
And if you spot any feminist texts by Naomi Wolf or Germaine Greer nestled amongst her collection of literature, you’re unlikely to get a good response when you ask her for a pole dance.
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